to my beloved little sister,
I’d urged myself to write something for you but I didn’t publish any previous drafts here. I don’t know how to put the right words together. I don’t know if my words will ever reach to you in any way. It gets easily emotional whenever thinking of you (and my hands are shaking while typing this ). Mom and I miss you so much, darling. Lately I spent the whole night crying and going back and forth the old days.
I’m sorry for not visiting your grave this year, i’m such a coward for never asking mom to take me back there. I’m sorry for everything, and you shouldn’t forgive. As long as i’m alive, your death will always be the only thing I’ve ever regretted. I still remember that gloomy day, how my heart broke in moments and days and months (and in a lifetime), how I tried to keep myself cool but at that time, I wished I’d been dead. Since the day you left, home hasn’t been home anymore. It will never be again.
I still keep our memories as secrets, ’cause I’m not brave enough to tell the stories of you to anyone without being torn apart. Even though I’m unable to remember every detail in the past as well as i must have been and your face is like missing pieces that I’m unable to put into the right order, I’m still pleased to hold all the things left dearly.
“And when God takes you back
He’ll say Hallelujah, you’re home.“
12.03.2005 – 12.03.2017